Relationship Problems

All relationships require work - the work of communication, compromise, compassion. When a relationship seems to require more work than the partners can offer on their own, but there is a desire to maintain the relationship, a couple may seek professional assistance.

People seek relationship counseling for a variety of reasons. The most obvious is difficulty getting along. Couples often present communication troubles, frequent arguments, emotional ups and downs, a feeling of distance, betrayal, or contempt, affairs, or disagreements over basic relationship issues - children, money, sex, time. Couples come in hoping a therapist can help in some way - though they may not know just how they expect the therapist to help. Some may expect the therapist to choose sides and decide "who's right." Other couples may want a mediator for their arguments, or to learn communication skills. It's important to discuss expectations, to ensure they are realistic and agreeable to all parties.

People may also seek relationship counseling for premarital counseling, parenting issues, changes in the nature of the relationship (regarding monogamy and other commitments, for instance), divorce counseling, terminal illness of one partner, and other reasons to numerous to name.

Sometimes it may be recommended to a particular couple that the partners engage first in individual therapy, separately, before engaging in couples work. If both partners are not able to maintain a certain level of insight, responsibility, and maturity in their communications, couples work may be ineffective. For relationship counseling to significantly help a relationship, each partner needs to have a commitment, if not firmly to the relationship, at least to the relationship counseling for the time it continues. Each partner must be generally honest, self-aware, and interested in doing relationship work. Each must be willing to take responsibility for part of the troubles of the couple - and for the couple's goals.

All couples argue sometimes. However, relationships where fighting has crossed into abusiveness may be especially unsuitable for relationship counseling, until the abuse has long ended and each partner has received engaged in individual therapy. In relationship work, honesty, assertiveness, healthy boundaries and the safety of each partner are paramount and encouraged. In an abusive relationship, honesty and assertiveness can be a risk to safety. Healthy boundaries are not present in an abusive relationship.